There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

Little Mary was out with her grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs having sex on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"

"How do you mean?" asked the grandmother.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "and they screw you every time!"

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A lovely woman decided to visit a penthouse restaurant. So she rode the elevator to the top floor of the building. She had a drink at the bar and then decided to get some fresh air, so she walked out on the balcony. She got too close to the railing and fell over the side. As she was falling about thirteen floors, a man was standing on the balcony below. He reached out his arms and engulfed her, pulling her to his chest. He asked, "Do you fuck?" She answered, “Of course not, What kind of a girl do you think I am? The man opened his arms and said, "sorry!" As she had fallen another thirteen floors, another man was standing on the balcony, and he reached out, grabbed her in his arms, pulled her to his chest and asked, "Do you suck?" She answered, "Of course not. What kind of a girl do you think I am?" The man opened his arms, and said, "Sorry!" As she had fallen another thirteen floors, another man was standing on a balcony. He reached out, engulfed her with his arms, and pulled her to his chest. Before he had a chance to say anything, she says, "Look, I fuck, I suck, and I'll do anything else you want! He opens his arms and says, "You slut!" .

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a 20.00 I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

You Don't Know Jack
This is the story of the saying "You don't know Jack Schitt!", which refers to the other party as not knowing anything about what they are speaking of.

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt.

O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next, came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt and then two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

In the meantime Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they had a son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens Brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Bird Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are expecting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now you know the full story of Jack Schitt and his family... just in case someone should ask.